so much to say... always on my mind

Here I am.  It's been so long, and I have so many places I have been... but like always, they are in my mind.

I haven't posted in so long I don't even know where to begin,  I'll start with this.  Hanna is gone.  The one and only "child" that I will have, is gone back to her family.  It was one of the hardest days/weeks of my life since my fertility issues.  I have been asked many of times if I would do it again, if Matt and I would host, my answer is no.  She was the light of my life for the yr that she was here.  She was the pain in the butt and the responsibility that I HAD to have.. and I miss her so.  We SKYPE and message on FB but Lord I miss that kid.  I can't do that to "me" again.  I loved her, Matt loved her, and we are so glad for her family to have shared her with us but it was a once and an only for me.

I work in Bellevue.  Yep you heard me... back on the west side.  When the fire department lifted the residency requirement, I told Matt that I needed to move.  I couldn't take 25 more yrs in the town.  So we talked about where and when and then we settled on Issaquah.  It's off I-90.  Easy for Matt to get off and on to commute to work.  I knew this would be hard... but really never knew it would lead to where we are... now ... in our marriage.  Matt and I have talked.  He is decided that Moses Lake is where he needs to be.  I am not with that thought.  I hated it.  I love him, I love the weather, but that's it.  Yes I have made some friends there, but not like I have here on the west side. I can't work like I do here.  I don't have things to do when my husband is working like I do here.  But if Im not there and he is... I don't have him.  We don't fight.  NEVER have until the other evening.  It was horrible.  I felt like my wind was knocked out of me, and I couldn't get it back.  And then the next day was numb.

Now here I am at a cross roads in my life.  Where I NEVER thought I wold be.  I fell like I have no choice.  We give each other a choice.. " be with me or be apart with me.  And that's it?!  This is the man that I love and that I want to be with, but he tells me that he needs to live back in Moses and I either go or I stay and we live apart.  Some people can do that.  Couples live apart, together, they all have what works for them.  I don't know what works for me.  I have done the commute.  I really don't mind it all, though I am not sure that it makes since.  There are many reasons why, but I don't want to get into the details of our fight, or re-hash the words. I just know that this is not been the easiest of things we have dealt with...

In my mind, life is hard.  More times than most I struggle with who I am and what I want.  I know for the most part.  The other part is growing and realizing who you are.  If you think you know it all, no matter what age, then I think your wrong.  I hope I learn and continue to grow.  Even when life is hard, and it's full of difficult choices, I wouldn't change it, or who I am.

In my mind...