Tuesday, August 21, 2012

so much to say... always on my mind

Here I am.  It's been so long, and I have so many places I have been... but like always, they are in my mind.

I haven't posted in so long I don't even know where to begin,  I'll start with this.  Hanna is gone.  The one and only "child" that I will have, is gone back to her family.  It was one of the hardest days/weeks of my life since my fertility issues.  I have been asked many of times if I would do it again, if Matt and I would host, my answer is no.  She was the light of my life for the yr that she was here.  She was the pain in the butt and the responsibility that I HAD to have.. and I miss her so.  We SKYPE and message on FB but Lord I miss that kid.  I can't do that to "me" again.  I loved her, Matt loved her, and we are so glad for her family to have shared her with us but it was a once and an only for me.

I work in Bellevue.  Yep you heard me... back on the west side.  When the fire department lifted the residency requirement, I told Matt that I needed to move.  I couldn't take 25 more yrs in the town.  So we talked about where and when and then we settled on Issaquah.  It's off I-90.  Easy for Matt to get off and on to commute to work.  I knew this would be hard... but really never knew it would lead to where we are... now ... in our marriage.  Matt and I have talked.  He is decided that Moses Lake is where he needs to be.  I am not with that thought.  I hated it.  I love him, I love the weather, but that's it.  Yes I have made some friends there, but not like I have here on the west side. I can't work like I do here.  I don't have things to do when my husband is working like I do here.  But if Im not there and he is... I don't have him.  We don't fight.  NEVER have until the other evening.  It was horrible.  I felt like my wind was knocked out of me, and I couldn't get it back.  And then the next day was numb.

Now here I am at a cross roads in my life.  Where I NEVER thought I wold be.  I fell like I have no choice.  We give each other a choice.. " be with me or be apart with me.  And that's it?!  This is the man that I love and that I want to be with, but he tells me that he needs to live back in Moses and I either go or I stay and we live apart.  Some people can do that.  Couples live apart, together, they all have what works for them.  I don't know what works for me.  I have done the commute.  I really don't mind it all, though I am not sure that it makes since.  There are many reasons why, but I don't want to get into the details of our fight, or re-hash the words. I just know that this is not been the easiest of things we have dealt with...

In my mind, life is hard.  More times than most I struggle with who I am and what I want.  I know for the most part.  The other part is growing and realizing who you are.  If you think you know it all, no matter what age, then I think your wrong.  I hope I learn and continue to grow.  Even when life is hard, and it's full of difficult choices, I wouldn't change it, or who I am.

In my mind...

Friday, December 9, 2011

I need a filing cabinet in my head...

The holidays for me have always been full of memories from my childhood.  The other day I was walking the dogs and someone was burning in their fireplace.. the smell brought me back to my childhood.  At my grandparents.. grandpa made a fire in the basement, played pool and smoked his pipe.  Jason, Micki and I roller skating around in the basement waiting for dinner on Christmas eve and then presents.  Funny how things change so much the older you get.

Lots of this with the family this year that are new.  Grandma is in assisted living, Micki and her husband will not be able to be with us for Christmas.  Hanna is here, and that has been really fun for me, as I am enjoying buying her presents and getting stocking stuffers ready.  My cousin and his wife are having issues that will change their lives so much.. I am reaching out to my cousin's wife.. but I am afraid that there is not much I can do.

I decided a couple weeks ago to go back and see my counselor and I really like her.  Her questions to me about how I like living in this small town still surprise me when I answer.  I don't really care for this town, but I love my life.  I am trying to make something of my job here and hoping that after this year, I will have more clients.  I love all the girls and it's a nice fit to be so close to home and to have the flexibility that I do with the hours that I work.  I tell Matt all the time that if he would like to move and start fresh somewhere else I am all for it, but his job is not one to just transfer and move.  Fireman need to stay and fill their time in the department.  I understand but it's fun to think about from time to time.

This week is the one to get back into the gym. My goal is 5 days a week.. I wish myself luck.  It's not that I don't work out or that I don't like it, it's pushing myself there, to a gym that I hate.  Maybe a work out partner is in store..

some many thoughts..

Thursday, November 10, 2011

a friends a friend forever....

This is one of my favorite songs... for those of you that don't know it, you should look it up!  Michael W Smith is the singer... Every time I hear this song, I see so many of my friends.  Now I am not talking about the imaginary ones..  I am talking about all my friends.  I see us in elementary school making new best friends.  I see us joining middle school together with combining 3 different elementary schools, falling into friendships.  And I see us excited for high school, trying to fit in as freshmen even with small cat fights at the lockers.  There are so many memories I have from school, and have made so many friends that I am still close with.  I also as an adult have great memories of places that I have worked, and the friendships that I have made.  I believe that I am a little shy at first meet.  I know that some of you would disagree but that is because you know ME now.  As I have gotten older I feel like it's harder to make friends...

I consider many of my friends best.  Some you have know forever, and even if you haven't seen them in a long time, you catch up like it was yesterday.  Some you haven't known forever but there is a connection there and you can't wait to get to know them better.  I have so many great memories with my friends, new and old, I can't wait to make more.

Michelle: we have known each other for 20 + years.. ( I almost chocked on my coffee with the number)  I can't remember the exact way that we met, but I do know that we were in Mrs. Westergreen's class.  Ah the singing... I will always remember her for that.  I know that she introduced me to Stephanie Chiappuzzo, and the 3 of us had so much fun hanging out and so many laughs! Cruising around in Shell's Chevy Sprint on St. Street in the Ville, and working at Mc Donalds together because "Heath, you have to work with me"!

Hope:  well meeting her in 5th grade was a blessing.  We had moved that summer and I didn't know any one.  The teacher made her show me around, and I followed her to a seat, and a nother, and finally she started talking to me when all the kids were coming in, telling me each of their names and a bit about them.  We were fast friends.  Of course I love her like a sister and we have had our tiff's too.  I once threw rocks at her.. she forgave me after we met in the bathroom and cried.  Our junior year we had a couple great double dates, and even though we don't see each other often enough as we have gotten older, when ever we do.. she's like coming home, and I love her.

HeatherB:  We met 6th grade, and sang together.  Since we were both Heather's I think that Mrs. Westergreen figured we were met to be together and sat us by each other.  Hanging out with her at her dad's, bubble bath and Salt N Pepper... ah the good ol days.  We both got married young, and didn't stay in close contact, but we have found our way back to each other and I feel like she is as close to me as ever.. we talk at least once a week via text and emails.. I look forward to her messages!

The Eliason ladies Keri and Katie:  Meeting these girls in 6th grade at a birthday party and then becoming friends in middle school.. oh the memories of the van, mall trips their dad would take us too, spinach picking and then a summer of strawberry.  Staying the night was always so much fun, and Kathy was great to all their friends.  Keri and I went trick-or-treating junior yr in masks so we could get candy and no one would know us in Marysville.. Katie and I cleaned her room after they sold their house to move to the lake, and found a couple hundred dollars in an old purse.. so nice for her to give me some as a finder fee!  Throwing snow on Kent when he didn't believe that it had snowed and we didn't have school for the day.. I am proud of these ladies and that we have grown up, but never grown apart.

ChristineM:  Ah the friendship that grew from a client.  I will forever be great full for all her help in the planning and orgionaizeing of my wedding.  She was a true blessing.  We have had many laughs in the salon late at night, fun dinners and glasses of wine after her nail appointments.  Flip flop races back from dinner to her house, Vegas pool time, shopping trips, and lazy evening Real Housewives marathons.. she is a true friend of mine and I am so glad that she walked in to the salon to get her jacked up nails fixed ( even if she was scared of me at first)

I could go on and on about my friends and stories, but I am sure like me, you have other things to do today!

I think that in life, as we get older, it is harder to make friends.  Not that you can't, but that life is busier than in school.  Marriage, family's, and  distance can all get in the way of life.  But friendships are a blessing and I am so happy to have all my friends.  New and old.  I have made some amazing friends from GJ that I will cherish for ever, and when I go in and see them, or meet up outside of the salon, or even travel to Vegas... it's like yesterday that we worked together.  I hope that the friendships  I have made in ML turn into some amazing life long friends...

in my mind... a friends a friend forever....

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

i'm not a parent....

Yesterday was our 3 year anniversary.  Like the years past, we went to Cave B and had dinner.  I really enjoy that place, the views are beautiful, the restaurant is small, and never crowed.  Also there are no kids.  Not before you all go and judge, I like kids.  I just feel that there are places that kids shouldn't be, nor do they really want to be there.  This has been a conversation that I have had with many friends in the past few weeks.  I work in a salon.  It's not big, but I love it.  I have worked in a salon as a nail tech for almost 16 years.  I have worked in 5.  I have a couple favorites, and they are all so different.  GJ was, and always will be my favorite.  It's a 5 star salon, and as the nail department we were considered part of the spa.  Not that I agreed with that in a couple ways.  The music was one of the reasons, but I did like that it was for the most part quiet.  See, there were so few times that kids were even brought into that part of the salon, that I can really only remember one time.  Of course it was when a client of mine was from out of town, and she brought her 3 year old in get her nails done.  The mother assured me that she was going to sit on her lap and be so good.  Yeah.. right...  Because this child really wanted to sit with her mom for an hour fill...  Now here is where it gets dicy... the child is sitting on her mom's lap.. moving all around while I have a sharp file in my hand, trying to get this woman's nails done.  Her child is not quiet while there are pedicures going on, so I am trying to hurry while she is wiggling around and telling her mom that she wants down.  I finally get the filing done, and then the products have to come out.  Now most of you don't know what I am talking about when I tell you what I need, and what is in all the stuff I use, but lets just say that it's liquid, powder, a brush that can't be touched by hands. I need everything free of dust.  So here I am.. expected to be artistic, steady handed, and get my client done in the time she is scheduled for because I have more than one...  After the second finger I am ready to bust... her child who I am not blaming, is crying, trying to get out of her mom's lap, touching all the things on my desk, moving to grab the lap, asking for her nails to be polished, and wanting to get off and walk around.  Super... I tell her that she needs to take a min. and try and get her daughter to calm down because not only is she making my job harder with the death grip on her mom's fingers, but she is disrupting the two pedicures going on in the close rooms in the nail department.  See this is where I am having an issue.  It's hard on me.. but it's also hard on the other guests that are trying to enjoy their services... so it's not that I don't like kids... it's that there are some places that I feel like not only they shouldn't be there.. but that they DON'T want to.

At dinner last night Matt and I talked about if we thought that we might have another exchange student after our dear Hanna leaves.  I told him that really I guess we will see how we both feel after she is gone.  We have a child who depends on us, loves us, we take care of her, enjoy doing things with her and have her presence in our house.  How will I feel when she is gone?  Back to Brazil.. not a place I can just go and see her when I miss her.  Matt said to me last night "I like our life".  I agree..  We are a childless married couple.  I see this written.. and it's weird to me.  I mean, I KNOW we don't have kids, but seeing it spelled out as a "childless couple" is weird to me.  I like our life too.. it's all I know.  I won't ever be a mom.  Matt wont be a dad.  But we have each other, the dogs, and the ability to do what ever we want when we want.  There is something to say about that for sure.  I tell my friends all the time, just because Matt and I don't have kids, doesn't mean that we don't like them.  It doesn't mean that we don't want to be invited to your kids' birthday parties, or over to your house for dinner, or see or know what your kids are doing.  It means that we CANT have them.  It's what it is.  In my mind....


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Fall is settling in..

This morning on my way to taking Hanna to school as we are crossing the lake, she looks out the window and sees fog resting above the lake.  I hear her say "oh..... what is that?"  I look over and tell her what it is. Then I take a longer look, because it's so pretty.. it's fall..  At the light before we get to the high school, there is a car next to us with frost all over it.  Hanna asks if it's snow. :)  I smile and her and tell her that it is frost on the car.  Sometimes life gets so busy and we forget to look outside and see all the beauty.  I really like the fall.  The leaves are my favorite.  Hanna and I went to the park the other day with the dogs, it was a nice walk and I got some great pictures of the leaves.  On my way home I was thinking about a couple things.. first off ... coffee!

Hanna came to live with us 2 months ago.  She is from Brazil, as an exchange student.  We are enjoying being "parents" to a teen.  There are so many things that we want to show here, and do with her while she is here.  Hanna leaves the end of January.  She has never seen snow.. so I can't wait for that.  We want to take her to Vashon Island where Matt's family is, Levenworth to see how they decorate for the holidays, and hoping for Portland, Idaho, and then LA where she will meet her family before they go back to Brazil.  Being a married couple with out kids, and then having a teen here, has been fun for Matt and I.  I am going to miss her so when she goes home.  Her stay with us is only 6 months.  All of her friends are staying for a year, but her parents said only 6 months.  I don't blame them, if it were me, I would say that 6 months is long enough also.  It's been an adjustment going from a married couple with no kids, to having one.  I am so glad that we decided to do it.

The last thing that I was thinking about this morning is how many baby showers I have been invited to this month.  How many people and friends that I know that are pregnant or that have just had babies.  It's a tough thing at times for me still..  I am not good at baby showers.  I get really anxious and feel really uncomfortable.  I try not to.. and I know that most of my friends know why, I just wish that it wasn't like that for me.  Maybe it always will be something I am not good at.  I was invited to two this past week.  I planned on going, and knew that I had other things to do as well, thought I could fit it in, that I wanted to fit it in, but in all reality.. I just couldn't go.


Monday, October 24, 2011

let's meet...

hello there and welcome.. well let me start by introducing my self.  My name is Heather.  I have always liked nicknames, so you may also know me as Heath, Feath or Bug (the hubby).  I am married to a firefighter/paramedic, we live in Moses Lake. Yeah.. I have two dogs, Pita and Mona, and one cat, Sigmond.  I am stumped now as to how I should tell this.. I have no children.  There I have said it.. the weird thing is that I get this question almost daily.  It's not hard for me to answer.. "do you have children?" No... "Oh, are you and your husband going to?" " No"... "I can't".... "Oh"... then the silence steps in.. (insert change of subject here).  When your introduced to someone new.. I think it would be fun to have name tags.  You know like the one's that say Hello My Name Is.. see then you could get out the answers to questions on your name tag.  I am okay with this question for the most part, I think that it's harder for other people.  My husband and I have a child right now.  We decided this year to have an exchange student come and live with us.  Great experience for us all so far.  So as of the past two months, until the end of Jan. we have a 16 (almost 17) year old.  Her name is Hanna and she is from Brazil.  I will say that going from no children, to a teenager is easier than I thought.  She is a great kid, and we are lucky.. a good pick on our parts I will say!  

I have been a nail tech for almost 16 years, love it.  I would break down the entire family, but really that is just extra writing.  I am sure you will get to know each and every one of them following my blog, unless this is the last you read..

Now that we have gotten to know each other lets start off with how I ended up in Moses Lake.  I am from the west side.  Some call it the coast here and it really annoys me!  I mean I get that it's closer to the coast but it's not the ocean!  Ah!  So my family and I moved around a bit when I was younger.  We moved to Lake Stevens Wa the summer before I started 5th grade.  I love it there.  As someone who grew up there, you know that the weather is not the best, but it's home to me.  So my husband had a job opportunity to come and work for Moses Lake, I had been here a couple times, and thought okay, we will do it.  A good job for him, better weather and we are closer to my mom.  So here we are working on 4 years.. I will be truthful and say I don't love it.. but I the more that I am here, it's growing on me.  I have made a few close friends (and have had 3 of them move away) and I really enjoy where I work!  So there you have it.  In my mind, there are always thoughts...